I am approaching the holidays with complicated emotions. It will be my first major holiday without my mother. The family will have a celebration of life gathering that week that I will be facilitating. I am sad that my mother’s generation is now passing away — only three of my grandparents’ six children remain. And there is much that I am grateful for — I will be grateful for family gathering at Thanksgiving — a tradition my mother’s family has maintained annually since my grandmother became the matriarch some 75 years ago. I am grateful for this fellowship and the generous response of its members towards others who have lost their housing during Helene and Milton. I am grateful that our 100-year-old building has escaped the fierceness that Helene and Milton offered and survived with relatively minor bruises. I am grateful to have been able to meet two of my sister’s grandchildren for the first time. The joy of seeing their smiling faces and hearing their laughter is priceless.

These emotions, grief and gratitude, joy and sadness, can both be held at the same time. It seems contradictory — how can I feel grief and gratitude, joy and sadness at the same time. And yet, if we are able to be mindful to the present moment, the now, we can indeed hold both. I believe it is healthy to acknowledge both ying and yang of the emotions we feel and not emphasize one over the other. Together they are the whole of what we are feeling.

No one likes to experience the raw emotions of grief and loss. This is true. The urge to push it down and away and only focus on the positive may be preferred but the relief this gives may only be temporary when the reality of the circumstances surface. We may experience friends who do not want to be in the presence of this level of grief and loss as it may raise emotions of their own vulnerability. And yet, friends who are willing to risk the feelings of their own vulnerability and thereby feel empathy and be a present witness to the pain experienced are the ones who might offer the most profound healing. We who strive to live in covenant with one another are called to be present with one another; to listen, to embrace, and perhaps, even sit in silence with our beloveds in community when tragedies happen.

As much as we would like to fix things for those we love, it is not always possible. But to be present, to hold one another in their grief and loss may be enough during these times. There is a sense of gratitude for being held even as we grieve.

Blessed Be,
Fred